Skip to main content

Review: Commando

Commando (1985) was directed by Mark L. Lester and stars Arnold Schwarzenegger as retired Colonel John Matrix (a great 1980s action movie name) who launches a one-man war against South American thugs led by his former comrade Bennet (Vernon Wells, who looks like a fat Freddie Mercury) who have kidnapped his daughter Jenny (Alyssa Milano).
    If you watch Commando like a serious action movie (which I think it was intended to be…I think) then it is one of the worst action movies ever made. The acting is terrible and the action is so implausible that it makes the feats performed by video game characters seem real in comparison. However, if you watch Commando as a straight up comedy it is one of the funniest movies ever (even if most of the comedy is unintentional). I will say this about Arnold Schwarzenegger, his comedic timing is incredible. His one liners in this movie are so ridiculous that you can’t help yourself but laugh. The action sequences and the body count Schwarzenegger racks up are hilarious as well. In one scene, Schwarzenegger tips a car back on its wheels after it was knocked on its side during a car chase where no one else was on the road besides Schwarzenegger and his antagonist. Another scene involves Schwarzenegger picking up a phone booth with a man inside it over his head. There is no joke for that sentence. That is the joke. In another scene, Arnold breaks into a gun store to get weapons and takes land mines, grenades, and a rocket launcher off the shelves. I don’t think any of these items can be found in a gun store, even in a country like America. Also, many of the scenes in this film are pretty much designed to show Arnold with his shirt off. Whether this is for the female audience (yeah right) or for male bodybuilding fans is a mystery to me. All I know is that bodybuilding is probably the most homoerotic sport to ever exist.
    Throughout the film’s 90-minute runtime, Schwarzenegger kills 102 people. Meaning Schwarzeegger kills someone about every 60 seconds. Schwarzenegger kills his enemies through various means such as gunfire, explosives, knives, a buzz saw, a rake, a machete, an ax, his bare hands, and by impaling somebody with a steaming hot pipe. During one shootout scene, I swear he killed the same person at least five different times. During the shootout scenes, Arnold doesn’t even bother to take cover or reload any of his weapons. He also doesn’t miss a shot. It’s like he’s playing a video game on easy mode. He just stands there as his enemies shoot and miss despite the fact he is a stationary target. He also kills many of these enemies in front of his own daughter, which I’m sure isn’t traumatizing at all. Schwarzenegger is able to fight all of these evil henchmen off without even getting a scratch.
   Needless to say, Commando is a turn your brain off type of film. There’s no deep meaning to this film or any twists or turns. It’s just Arnold Schwarzenegger kicking a bunch of ass for an hour and a half.
Overall Rating (If you watch it like a serious action movie): 0 stars

Overall Rating (If you watch it like a comedy): ****
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Review: Spider-Man PS4

***THIS IS A (RELATIVELY) SPOILER FREE REVIEW***        It's been a while since Spider-Man has gotten the video game treatment. His last few outings in this medium have been mediocre and at times down right horrible due to the fact that they were movie tie-ins. In fact, many would say that Spider-Man 2,  which came out in 2004 was the last great Spider-Man video game (I would argue that Ultimate Spider-Man , which came out a year later was the last great Spider-Man game, but I digress).  I think we can safely say now that Insomniac Game's  Spider-Man PS4  has claimed it's place as the definitive Spider-Man game. This game has it's flaws, but it's one of the most fun I've had playing a video game in a long time.              Spider-Man PS4  is a free-roaming game that features a twenty-three year old Peter Parker that is entering his prime as New York City's Wall Crawler. However, he still has ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Movie Review: Chappaquiddick

Chappaquiddick (2017) was released fifty years too late. That was my thought when I first sat down to watch this movie on Netflix and that was my thought when I finished it. I'm a millennial and I bet that the majority of Americans under the age of 40 (and maybe even under the age of fifty) have no idea what the Chappaquiddick Incident even was. If you were to ask someone what Chappaquiddick is they would probably reply with a shrug and say that it's some Native American term (it is, but that's besides the point). It's a shame that this incident isn't taught in history or political science classes. Chappaquiddick is one of the defining moments in American politics in the last fifty years. It laid bare the obvious fact that if one has the right amount of money, one has the right connections, and that one has the right last name  then you are essentially above the law. Chappaquiddick was directed by John Curan with a screenplay by Taylor Allen and Andrew Logan...
Post a Comment
Read more

Review: DC: The New Frontier

     DC: The New Frontier was a six-issue mini-series written and drawn by Darwyn Cooke. The series was published by DC Comics in 2004. The New Frontier takes place in an alternate timeline from 1945, 1948 and from 1952 to 1960. It involves characters from DC’s Golden Age like Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman meeting characters from DC’s Silver Age like The Flash, Green Lantern, and Martian Manhunter. The New Frontier captures what a strange time the 1950s and early 1960s were. It was a time of optimism and seemingly endless economic prosperity. This optimism manifested itself in the Space Race , where Americans realized that the sky was no longer the limit. However, this era was plagued by racism , communist paranoia , and the fear of nuclear war . All of these real historical issues are told through the lens of DC’s heroes.      What I love about The New Frontier is how it was paced. It’s written like Pulp Fiction (1994), where the characte...
Post a Comment
Read more