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Review: Commando

Commando (1985) was directed by Mark L. Lester and stars Arnold Schwarzenegger as retired Colonel John Matrix (a great 1980s action movie name) who launches a one-man war against South American thugs led by his former comrade Bennet (Vernon Wells, who looks like a fat Freddie Mercury) who have kidnapped his daughter Jenny (Alyssa Milano).
    If you watch Commando like a serious action movie (which I think it was intended to be…I think) then it is one of the worst action movies ever made. The acting is terrible and the action is so implausible that it makes the feats performed by video game characters seem real in comparison. However, if you watch Commando as a straight up comedy it is one of the funniest movies ever (even if most of the comedy is unintentional). I will say this about Arnold Schwarzenegger, his comedic timing is incredible. His one liners in this movie are so ridiculous that you can’t help yourself but laugh. The action sequences and the body count Schwarzenegger racks up are hilarious as well. In one scene, Schwarzenegger tips a car back on its wheels after it was knocked on its side during a car chase where no one else was on the road besides Schwarzenegger and his antagonist. Another scene involves Schwarzenegger picking up a phone booth with a man inside it over his head. There is no joke for that sentence. That is the joke. In another scene, Arnold breaks into a gun store to get weapons and takes land mines, grenades, and a rocket launcher off the shelves. I don’t think any of these items can be found in a gun store, even in a country like America. Also, many of the scenes in this film are pretty much designed to show Arnold with his shirt off. Whether this is for the female audience (yeah right) or for male bodybuilding fans is a mystery to me. All I know is that bodybuilding is probably the most homoerotic sport to ever exist.
    Throughout the film’s 90-minute runtime, Schwarzenegger kills 102 people. Meaning Schwarzeegger kills someone about every 60 seconds. Schwarzenegger kills his enemies through various means such as gunfire, explosives, knives, a buzz saw, a rake, a machete, an ax, his bare hands, and by impaling somebody with a steaming hot pipe. During one shootout scene, I swear he killed the same person at least five different times. During the shootout scenes, Arnold doesn’t even bother to take cover or reload any of his weapons. He also doesn’t miss a shot. It’s like he’s playing a video game on easy mode. He just stands there as his enemies shoot and miss despite the fact he is a stationary target. He also kills many of these enemies in front of his own daughter, which I’m sure isn’t traumatizing at all. Schwarzenegger is able to fight all of these evil henchmen off without even getting a scratch.
   Needless to say, Commando is a turn your brain off type of film. There’s no deep meaning to this film or any twists or turns. It’s just Arnold Schwarzenegger kicking a bunch of ass for an hour and a half.
Overall Rating (If you watch it like a serious action movie): 0 stars

Overall Rating (If you watch it like a comedy): ****
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